The Facade of a ‘Nice Guy’#MondayMusings

Let’s talk about boys today…

I know I am a middle-aged Aunty and shouldn’t be talking about boys, but the other day few of us friends gathered for coffee and after our usual discussion of homework of kids, irritating habits of spouses, latest antics of moms-in-law, illogical bosses, latest shopping mall discounts, grocery prices etc we started gossiping about a lady who recently left her “nice” white-collar husband and decided to start living with another man, who is apparently a struggler in the Mumbai film industry, unlike the lady’s husband this fellow seems bohemian and we unanimously decided she made a mistake.

But, pause here, as we started gossiping the only single friend in our group G said that she recently ghosted a “nice” guy whom she met through a dating app. She said that at times the “nice” guys are worse than the ‘rogue’ ones. Let us hear it from G why she did this:

“Recently I ghosted a guy. I am not proud of that because I am the kind of person who would not want to do something to someone that I do not want to happen to myself. However, this time I had no other way out. I got the vibe that this person wouldn’t let me break up with him in a proper way without creating an emotional mess so the only option was to ghost him.

I had met this guy through Tinder. His profile looked honest and decent. As you may be aware that Tinder is full of creeps and most men there would send you a d**k pic after saying ‘hi’ or ask for a nude picture of you. Finding a decent guy on ‘Indian’ Tinder is like finding a needle in a haystack. Therefore, this guy felt like a rare gem.

We started talking, he started telling me about his family, school life, childhood, job, college days and it felt kind of good talking to him. He seemed extremely caring and always used to ask me about my day, health and well being.

Everything was going on fine until I started feeling a certain discomfort that I couldn’t put my finger on. I realized that instead of looking forward to his messages I had unknowingly started dreading it. I was not understanding why I was feeling so uninterested and uncomfortable about this apparently “decent” guy.

Then I sat down, calmed myself and started analyzing my discomfort and found that he was sending me too many messages, asking me too many questions, giving too many advice, was pestering me to lose weight as he felt that would make me prettier, was literally keeping track of my daily schedule and often felt hurt if I did anything without informing him, the guy had no hobbies, no friends, no sense of humor, he was polite but predictable and the worst was he had started assuming me as his girlfriend even before I had committed. In the end, I felt he was nice but boring and having a meaningful conversation with him was difficult as he had no insights and it was mostly me talking and he listening. One way conversations are as good as talking to a wall.”

After listening to G, I felt, it is good to message throughout the day. It can mean that he wants to spend a lot of time staying connected but it would also mean he has nothing else to do in life. This is a sign of clinginess. Asking your girlfriend throughout the day what she is doing may seem innocent but it is also a sign of keeping a track on her. It is a way to have complete control over her schedule. G said that one day she went for a movie without telling him and he seemed upset. He got upset because that is when he felt vulnerable and out of control. Most control freaks start quite innocently in the disguise of being caring but later on, it turns out to be their way of controlling.

He wanted G to lose weight to look prettier. Losing weight is good from the angle of ‘health’ and not ‘beauty’. This ‘nice’ guy was already body-shaming G even before they got into a proper relationship. This nice guy was inquisitive to know about the ex-boyfriends of G and he even asked her which of her ex-boyfriends was the best. This clearly shows how insecure Mr. Nice guy is. Isn’t this the most ridiculous and archaic question any man can ask. Apparently, this guy had no ex-girlfriend ( I am sure he didn’t).

G is an extrovert, talkative, attractive and intelligent girl. She loves to read books, watch Netflix, go out for movies. However, this man has no hobbies and friends. He is either busy in the office or texting G that he doesn’t get time to do anything else.

Apparently, this man was caring, nice and polite but this is what I call the ‘facade of a nice man‘. In reality, they are ‘passive-aggressive’ ‘clingy’ ‘boring’ and ‘control freaks’.  If you remember the character of Subodh from Dil Chahta hai, you would get the drift. I asked G not to feel guilty about ‘ghosting’ him ( even though I do not like the concept of Ghosting). I am sure she would find a genuinely nice guy who is not boring, clingy or controlling.